guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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