it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
