things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
