oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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