Whoa Z and x make the same sound
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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