The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize