he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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