So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
