he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
