He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
