an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
