"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
my poor anus
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
