Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
