And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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