come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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