My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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