If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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