Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
