Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's official drugs can't kill me
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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