I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
