I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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