I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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