I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
