We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
