my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
