I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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