Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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