I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Houston, we have a blender
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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