um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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