the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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