He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
