Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
