I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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