non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's official drugs can't kill me
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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