i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
