just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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