my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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