Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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