Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
