Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
