You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
