I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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