I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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