You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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