Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
