if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
