Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just found puke in my bra..
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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