I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
