If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
