I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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