what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
