I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
