i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is Oprah even human
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
