guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
