I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
