she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How does one acquire holy water?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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