Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
