it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
there is glitter all over my balls
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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