I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
