The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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