im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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